Let me share a personal story.
We have a busy beautiful life! I enjoy my life. My husband has a growing complicated business, he serves as a Bishop of our ward in Texas, he is actively involved in raising our kids, coaching basketball teams, and picking up ballerinas. I am a stay at home mom, which makes some think my day is full of eating bon bons and watching soaps (of which I do neither). I am a full time student, hold two demanding church callings of my own, work for a company out of Utah, and that doesn’t begin to describe the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly things I do as being a mother of four.
Not too long ago my husband and I had gotten into a nasty habit. See, with the little amount of time that we really got to see each other in a day it was mostly spent talking about the things that were wrong. Our conversations looked something like:
Me: NEGATIVE
Husband: NEGATIVE!
Husband: NEGATIVE
Me: NEGATIVE?
We had fallen into what is called Negative Sentiment Override. What is Negative Sentiment Override? Emeritus Psychologist Robert Weiss from the University of Oregon coined the term Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). Jumping for one negative experience to the next negative experience, assuming the negative in every situation. It is exactly what we were doing, we had no time or energy to get the positives in there. We both knew something needed to change!
We knew it would take work, and we were willing to put in the work. We started to take steps toward establishing Positive Sentiment Override in our relationship. We took time out of busy schedules to reconnect. We spent time creating more positive memories and interactions with each other. According to the Gottman Institute Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) “establishes the resence of positive affect in problem solving discussions and transitively determines success of repair attempts during conflict resolution…. The magic ratio is 5:1. In other words, as long as there are five times as many positive interactions between partners as there are negative, the relationship is likely to be stable. It is based on this ratio that Dr. Gottman is able to predict divorce! Very unhappy couples tend to have more negative than positive interactions. The bottom line: even though some level of negativity is necessary for a stable relationship, positivity is what nourishes your love.”
Right next to the door we always come and go from, I have posted a saying from Elder Jeffery R. Holland it says, "Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad." It reminds me daily to think the best of my husband, my children, and those I will come in contact with.
What does your ratio look like in your marriage?
It is not too late to make a change!
We have a busy beautiful life! I enjoy my life. My husband has a growing complicated business, he serves as a Bishop of our ward in Texas, he is actively involved in raising our kids, coaching basketball teams, and picking up ballerinas. I am a stay at home mom, which makes some think my day is full of eating bon bons and watching soaps (of which I do neither). I am a full time student, hold two demanding church callings of my own, work for a company out of Utah, and that doesn’t begin to describe the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly things I do as being a mother of four.
Not too long ago my husband and I had gotten into a nasty habit. See, with the little amount of time that we really got to see each other in a day it was mostly spent talking about the things that were wrong. Our conversations looked something like:
Me: NEGATIVE
Husband: NEGATIVE!
Husband: NEGATIVE
Me: NEGATIVE?
We had fallen into what is called Negative Sentiment Override. What is Negative Sentiment Override? Emeritus Psychologist Robert Weiss from the University of Oregon coined the term Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). Jumping for one negative experience to the next negative experience, assuming the negative in every situation. It is exactly what we were doing, we had no time or energy to get the positives in there. We both knew something needed to change!
We knew it would take work, and we were willing to put in the work. We started to take steps toward establishing Positive Sentiment Override in our relationship. We took time out of busy schedules to reconnect. We spent time creating more positive memories and interactions with each other. According to the Gottman Institute Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) “establishes the resence of positive affect in problem solving discussions and transitively determines success of repair attempts during conflict resolution…. The magic ratio is 5:1. In other words, as long as there are five times as many positive interactions between partners as there are negative, the relationship is likely to be stable. It is based on this ratio that Dr. Gottman is able to predict divorce! Very unhappy couples tend to have more negative than positive interactions. The bottom line: even though some level of negativity is necessary for a stable relationship, positivity is what nourishes your love.”
Right next to the door we always come and go from, I have posted a saying from Elder Jeffery R. Holland it says, "Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad." It reminds me daily to think the best of my husband, my children, and those I will come in contact with.
What does your ratio look like in your marriage?
It is not too late to make a change!
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