Week 08 Pride

Pride. Guilty.

It seems like such an easy topic to understand, but really most of us don’t really understand pride.

For the past few years I have really been struggling with a relationship in my life. At some points in the past years it has really eaten me up. I have spent weeks discussing, figuring, trying to mend and figure out this relationship. I have even thrown in the towel, and told myself that this relationship isn’t important. I have gone through all degrees with the relationship from completely blocking this person out to trying all I could to let this person in. Even now, I am currently at a stand still, nothing positive, nothing negative. But, nothing seems to work!  Nothing seems to be helping me with this relationship.

Although it feels like I have had a light bulb moment this week.

Could the problem in my relationship really be pride?

27 years ago President Ezra Taft Benson gave an unforgettable address in the Spring General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. President Benson warned, “Beware of Pride. “

President Benson taught, “ The proud make every mean their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others… They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure.”

Again, Pride. Guilt.

It may not be as harsh as the quote sounds above. But, pride has always been an issue in this relationship. I don’t know where the damaging sense of competition was born, but I do know now that I can change my actions to make the relationship better.

So how can I begin to heal this relationship? President Benson said, “The antidote for pride is humility- meekness, submissiveness. It is a broken heart and contrite spirit.”

As painful as it may be to point out my faults, and where I am falling short more than anything I want to see progress and growth in my life, and my relationships. Yes. I have much more to study and to do to build a healthy relationship. But, I think I’ve got a great starting point.

Week 07 Turning Towards Each Other

Let me start this post with a little story:

A couple had been married for 50 years and a party was thrown for their golden anniversary.  The husband was very moved by the occasion and wanted to tell his wife how much he thought of her. She was hard of hearing, however, and often misunderstood what he said.  With family and friends gathered around, he toasted her and said, “My dear wife, after 50 years I’ve found you tried and true!”

Everyone clapped for them, but his wife was a little irritated and asked, “What did you say?”  He spoke louder, “After 50 years, I’ve found you tried and true!”

The wife was now visibly upset and shouted back, “Well, after 50 years I’m tired of you, too!”

This is just a cute story, but a real reminder how we may feel sometimes in our marriage. Do we really hear what our spouse it saying to us?

Is our spouse giving us small hints and clues that they need your time, your attention, and your help and are we aware of those moments?  

Are we taking the opportunities to turn towards our spouse?

“Every time you make the effort to listen and respond to what your spouse says, to help him or her, you make your marriage a little better.” (Gottman, 91)

In a world filled with distractions it is becoming harder and harder to just be with, talk with, and give undivided attention to our spouse. 

“The ease with which other people can contact us at all hours of the day and night can take a toll on the intimate communication that fuels both romantic love and family life” (Gottman, 92)

So this week I have a challenge.  Put down the cell phones, and social media and turn into your marriage. Just see what happens. 

 Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.

Week 06 Strong Superstructure

            Wisely President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, “You can’t build a great building on a weak foundation. You must have a solid foundation if you’re going to have a strong superstructure."  One quality my husband has said he loves about me is I want more for our marriage, I will not settle!

I want a mad love affair!

I want a great romance!

I want indescribable joy and happiness!

And the newest to add to the list:

I want a strong superstructure! 

            Because I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, when you say foundation, I say Jesus Christ. There is no question, the Savior and his teachings are the solid foundation. Mosiah 14:24-15 teach, “Therefore, whoso heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock— And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not, for it was founded upon a rock.” 

            Once we are strive to have the Savior, his teachings, and his gospel apart of our marriage foundation. What else should we do? Build Love Maps!  A Love Map is a term used by John M. Gottman PH.D, the country’s foremost relationship expert. Love Map is the term “for the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partners life.” (Gottman, 54)

  
            How much do you really know about your spouse?

What kind of dressing would he order on a salad? What is his favorite show? What are his life’s dreams? What are my husbands health concerns?

           Why is having all this knowledge of my spouse’s life important? “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather martial storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each others worlds are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.” (Gottman, 54)

We were never promised that in our marriage there would only be happiness. We are promised the storms will come, the rain will fall, the temptations will be present, we will have hard times, and sometimes it may seem unbearable.  We must have a solid foundation of our Savior Jesus Christ, and  we must draw near to each other to keep us from collapsing. 

          “The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.” (Gottman, 56)

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.

Week 06 Strong Superstructure

            Wisely President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, “You can’t build a great building on a weak foundation. You must have a solid foundation if you’re going to have a strong superstructure."  One quality my husband has said he loves about me is I want more for our marriage, I will not settle!

I want a mad love affair!

I want a great romance!

I want indescribable joy and happiness!

And the newest to add to the list:

I want a strong superstructure! 

            Because I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, when you say foundation, I say Jesus Christ. There is no question, the Savior and his teachings are the solid foundation. Mosiah 14:24-15 teach, “Therefore, whoso heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock— And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not, for it was founded upon a rock.” 

            Once we are strive to have the Savior, his teachings, and his gospel apart of our marriage foundation. What else should we do? Build Love Maps!  A Love Map is a term used by John M. Gottman PH.D, the country’s foremost relationship expert. Love Map is the term “for the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partners life.” (Gottman, 54)

 How much do you really know about your spouse?

What kind of dressing would he order on a salad? What is his favorite show? What are his life’s dreams? What are my husbands health concerns?

           Why is having all this knowledge of my spouse’s life important? “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather martial storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each others worlds are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.” (Gottman, 54)

We were never promised that in our marriage there would only be happiness. We are promised the storms will come, the rain will fall, the temptations will be present, we will have hard times, and sometimes it may seem unbearable.  We must have a solid foundation of our Savior Jesus Christ, and  we must draw near to each other to keep us from collapsing. 

          “The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.” (Gottman, 56)

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.

Week 05 Positivity is what nourishes your love

Let me share a personal story.

We have a busy beautiful life! I enjoy my life. My husband has a growing complicated business, he serves as a Bishop of our ward in Texas, he is actively involved in raising our kids, coaching basketball teams, and picking up ballerinas. I am a stay at home mom, which makes some think my day is full of eating bon bons and watching soaps (of which I do neither). I am a full time student, hold two demanding church callings of my own, work for a company out of Utah, and that doesn’t begin to describe the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly things I do as being a mother of four.
Not too long ago my husband and I had gotten into a nasty habit. See, with the little amount of time that we really got to see each other in a day it was mostly spent talking about the things that were wrong. Our conversations looked something like:

Me: NEGATIVE
Husband: NEGATIVE!
Husband: NEGATIVE
Me: NEGATIVE?

We had fallen into what is called Negative Sentiment Override. What is Negative Sentiment Override? Emeritus Psychologist Robert Weiss from the University of Oregon coined the term Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). Jumping for one negative experience to the next negative experience, assuming the negative in every situation. It is exactly what we were doing, we had no time or energy to get the positives in there. We both knew something needed to change!

We knew it would take work, and we were willing to put in the work. We started to take steps toward establishing Positive Sentiment Override in our relationship. We took time out of busy schedules to reconnect. We spent time creating more positive memories and interactions with each other. According to the Gottman Institute Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) “establishes the resence of positive affect in problem solving discussions and transitively determines success of repair attempts during conflict resolution…. The magic ratio is 5:1. In other words, as long as there are five times as many positive interactions between partners as there are negative, the relationship is likely to be stable. It is based on this ratio that Dr. Gottman is able to predict divorce! Very unhappy couples tend to have more negative than positive interactions. The bottom line: even though some level of negativity is necessary for a stable relationship, positivity is what nourishes your love.”

Right next to the door we always come and go from, I have posted a saying from Elder Jeffery R. Holland it says, "Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad." It reminds me daily to think the best of my husband, my children, and those I will come in contact with.

What does your ratio look like in your marriage?

It is not too late to make a change!

Week 04: Eternal Marriage

I had a good friend once ask me if I really believed in eternal marriage. My answer was a resounding, Yes!  She then looked at me and stated if her relationship with her husband was good than she could believe and want an eternal marriage. But her relationship was not, so why would she want to be with him eternally.

            I chocked… I didn’t quite know what to say. I knew they had struggled to find what worked for them, just like every couple does. I knew they had great moments that filled their life with joy, just like every couple does.  I couldn’t imagine why she would not what to be eternally bond to her husband. I wasn’t very helpful, or prepared to answer her question then, so today I’d like to take a second shot at answering.

            Every marriage has its moments that I call “root moments”. Just like a tree’s roots they may not be very pretty, they many not be very fun, or enjoyable, but they are necessary. Roots of a tree carry water and nutrients from the soil to the rest of the tree. Without healthy roots a tree cannot survive.   Uniquely, without leaves a tree would also die.  Leaves are those beautiful moments in a marriage.  Those moments that feed our love and binds us together tightly. Those moments feed back to the roots and make the tree healthier, and stronger. In return we have a healthy, beautiful tree that is strong against the winds of the world. 

            So what do we do if our root to leaves system is broken in our marriage? Start again. Start from the beginning. F. Burton Howard taught, “If you want something to last forever you treat it differently. It becomes special because you have made it so.”  Beautiful marriages that radiate joy, light and happiness do not happen because of fate, or luck. Beautiful marriages happen because of hard work, and dedication.  F. Burton Howard taught about eternal marriage. “First, an eternal marriage is eternal. Eternal implies continuing growth and improvement. It means that man and wife will honestly try to perfect themselves. It means that the marriage relationship is not to be frivolously discarded at the first sign of disagreement or when times get hard. It signifies that love will grow stronger with time and that it extends beyond the grave. It means that each partner will be blessed with the company of the other partner forever and that problems and differences might as well be resolved because they are not going to go away. Eternal signifies repentance, forgiveness, long-suffering, patience, hope, charity, love, and humility. All of these things are involved in anything that is eternal, and surely we must learn and practice them if we intend to claim an eternal marriage.”

Week 03: Traditonal Marriage

            The definition of marriage has been a topic of great interest in the news, in our communities, and even within our churches. This is a sensitive subject for many people, and I do not take writing about it lightly. It seems most people have very strong feelings either for traditional marriage, or for same sex marriage. One thing I know is this subject will not go away, the Supreme Court and a voice of the public have ruled in favor of legal same sex marriage. This is a subject in which both sides of the heated debate must show kindness, compassion and respect for the opinion of the other.

            Personally I believe the definition of marriage was given thousands of years ago. It definitely not the definition that most of the world would give. The definition of marriage to me is: the sacred, spiritual union of a man and a woman. Not connected or given authority by laws or regulations, but connected through the sealing power of God. I believe marriage is eternal! Marriage is a sacred relationship between God, the husband and the wife. When marriage is treated as precious, a special gift, and spiritually sacred we act, think and feel differently about marriage. The title of marriage is not to be taken lightly, not to be labeled that should be slapped on every relationship, and not to be thrown away. Marriage is the foundation or beginning of the relationship, it is the first steps in our plan for happiness, and it is the solid platform in which we then bring children.  The sacred nature of the family is the culmination of marriage. Long ago the world lost the sacred nature of marriage. Try as the world is to imitate the sacred nature of marriage and family, it will never be able to do so.

            I respect, tolerate, and have compassion for the views of others about traditional and same-sex marriage. But that doesn’t mean I should abandon what I believe. I expect the same respect of my view as well. There can be peace and respect among those that disagree with each other, in every situation.