Week 09: Conflict in Marriage

Do our marriages have to be conflict free to be happy, and thrive?

Would you believe 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual, meaning they will be part of your marriage always? (Gottman, 137)

According to John M. Gottman the leading expert in relationships marital conflict falls into two categories, “Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another.” (Gottman, 137)

We all have those subjects in our marriage, those subject have been a source of conflict from the beginning.  Socks on the floor, balancing the budget, locking the doors at night, or laundry any of those sound familiar?

I am an independent person; my sweet husband is also very independent. Some injecting humor might say too many chiefs and not enough Indians.  

 I seem to make judgments quickly and move forward, my husband like to analyze run through each scenario and after much analysis make a decision.  These differences in personality, and decision-making have caused conflict in our marriage. Even with this personality difference our marriage is still happy and thriving.

“Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for you marriage to thrive.” (Gottman, 139)

How do we manage our perpetual conflicts? Gottman in The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work gives us 4 steps:

1. Negative emotions are important.

“Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.” (Gottman, 157) We must learn to listen to each other without feeling attacked, so we can facilitate healing instead of hurt.

2. No one is right.

Shoot!

3. Acceptance is crucial.

“When people feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated, they are unable to change.” (Gottman, 157)

4. Focus on fondness and admiration.

“I have found that a robust fondness and admiration system is central to remaining happily married.” (Gottman, 158)

We many not be able to solve the perpetual conflicts in our marriages, but they don’t have to divide our marriage. In fact, they can bring us closer to each other through understanding, resect, love, and admiration. 

 Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.